Warning: System Failure

If God gave you the thing that you wanted most,

Would you still love Him the most?

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This question was posed to me the other evening. If God were to grant me the one thing I want most in this life, whatever it may be, would He still be number One, the One and Only? Contentment is a concept unrecognized by today's society. It isn't natural to be ok with the present state of things; we always need to fix up our houses, upgrade our computers, find a better job. Sometimes the thing we want most is immaterial, and we spend our hours pondering how we might obtain it or despairing when it seems so far out of reach. We selfishly seek what our sometimes deceitful hearts tell us we need.

Were I asked this question even two months ago, I would have (after some thought) probably spoken a tentative yes. However, I now realize that I am a failure. I have failed God, failed the test.

Not only in this present time but of course in the past as well. And he knew I would. He knows when we all will. Failure is not something I enjoy; as much of a perfectionist as I am, I do most things as well as I can, to the best of my ability. Failure, then, seems like a direct shot at who I am, at essentially what I am. And to fail God, to think that I have disappointed my Creator, well, that one's more than a little hard to swallow.

Why does God let us fail? Certainly not because he takes delight in disappointment, or that he enjoys seeing us in pain when we fall. Rather, I reckon we can look at failure as a gentle lesson. Inevitably, we as humans learn best from mistakes, and sometimes even the wisest words cannot bring us into the light. God has allowed me to fail because inside of me there was some misconceived notion about who I am, the strength of my faith, or how he wants to work through me.

Praise God that he still inhabits the praises of his fallen people, that he is bigger than even our biggest mistake. God is loving, he is infinite, immutable, and transcendent; the fullness of his unchanging love extends infinitely higher, wider, deeper than we can comprehend, because he is over and above all creation and nothing exists apart from his being.

Our minds know it, but do our hearts believe it? Sometimes we have to fail in order to better see God's perfect attributes. Not that failure should be embraced, but it is a chance to more perfectly know our Heavenly Father.. so in this we have hope.

Thus said, I hate ending on serious note.

There once was a man with pointy shoes. I knew him...

Fasting

The weakness of hunger which leads to death brings forth the goodness and power of God who wills life. Here there is no extortion, no magic attempt to force God’s will. We merely look with confidence upon our heavenly Father and through our fasting say gently in our hearts: “Father, without you I will die; come to my assistance, make haste to help me.”

—JOSEPHWIMMER

So the other day I was kind of re-minded about this nifty little blog that I started almost a year ago. Not sure why I fell off the bandwagon, but of course, like many things in my life, I let this go...so much for New Year's resolutions.

Well, I guess there's no better time to get back into my writing habit than when I should be studying for finals (good thing my parents don't read this. I feel like they might have a thing or two to say about that).

My life lately-

There's a reason I titled this post "Fasting." If you have never studied the spiritual discipline of fasting then you are missing out on a crucial, powerful aspect of the faith that so many of us fail to utilize. And it's to our detriment really..

Fasting and prayer are the most powerful tools we as Christians have in our spiritual arsenal. Skeptical? There's numerous Biblical examples, such as the Ninevites in the story of Jonah. They were marked for destruction, but at the message proclaimed by Jonah they fasted and clothed themselves with sackcloth. What happened? God changed his mind and let them live. Cool.

In the New Testament, after the ascension of Jesus when the disciples were seeking direction about where they were supposed to go to take the good news, the Bible says they fasted and prayed. And you know what, it says then the Holy Spirit of God spoke. Because of their devotion to fasting and prayer, the Father was compelled to act.

Please read Isaiah 58. This is the definition of fasting and should be the definition of our lives if we claim to live as servants of God. In Matthew, when John the Baptist's disciples came to Jesus and asked him why his disciples didn't fast, Jesus answered, Why would they fast when the bridegroom is with them? But a day will come when the bridegroom will be taken away, and then they shall fast...

And then they shall fast. No if's. A few verses later, when Jesus is elaborating on the subject, he says, And when you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do...

And when you fast. I don't see a second option here.

As the Church, I think we are missing the boat on this one. I can't remember the last time I went to a service and the topic was fasting; even longer since I heard a sermon challenging me to fast, to surrender something crucial to me as a way of saying to God that I desire Him more.

What do you cherish more- our God or His gifts? When's the last time you actively took steps to tell Him that, God, my desire for you is greater then my desire for ___?

Nations have been shaped through fasting and prayer; history has been changed as the result of fasting and prayer. Remember the Great Awakening? Every single one of the leaders of that powerful spiritual movement in our nation's history actively practiced the discipline of fasting in their lives (trust me, I've researched this).

So why aren't we doing it? If the heart of God is moved when we fast; if revivals have broken out because of the fasting and prayer of a few individuals desperate for the Spirit of God to work, why isn't this more of a big deal??

More than a month and a half ago, God started talking to me about fasting and revival. Eventually, it got to the point where I couldn't escape it (there's that Hound of Heaven again). Now, I've fasted numerous times in my life for different reasons, but never has the necessity been impressed upon me so strongly as it is now. God is raising up His people here at IWU; the Spirit of God is leaking out all over the place. I have seen it with my own eyes, talked to individuals whom God is using and can see the same thing. Having just yesterday been released from the longest fast I have ever done in my life, I can say from personal experience- it's worth it. My heart in this fast was not for me, but for my friends, my school. And yet, what God did in my own life was absolutely incredible; I had no idea the deep, powerful ways that God was going to work in me, use me, change and shape me. I'm not saying this to point out how great I am now that I have accomplished this great feat. NO, as Paul said, I am the least of all. Truly. I know how small I am in life's grand scheme, how many individuals more gracious, commendable, talented, humble, etc. there are that God has placed in our community for His good work. But now, after this time of intense fasting and seeking the His face, I am more than I was- more equipped, malleable, teachable, able to listen, discern what God is saying to me and to us. If I was the preaching type, I would give everything I had to get people to see how important this is. If you want to do something for God, but are always wondering what in the world there is for you to do in the bubble in which you live (for me it's the IWU bubble), do this. Do fasting. It's not about food or Facebook or whatever God calls you to give up; it's about saying, God, I desire the outpouring of your Spirit more than this thing in my life.

Having always wanted to live a life completely dependent on God (kind of a Shane Claiborne, ordinary radical type of thing), this fast was the first step, a small taste. Again, I wish I could stress how passionately I feel about this..but I can't. So I'll leave the rest of to God.

And now that I've wasted a significant amount of time, I really should study...because that would be the responsible thing to do. I know it's not Biblical, but the phrase "God helps those who help themselves" comes to mind....

Oi, it's going to be a long night...

Running Shoes

I'm don't really do poems, so this is kinda weird. Just one of them things I felt like I was supposed to do. Kinda like reading a really really good book and then lending it to others to read because you want to share it with them, lol. so i'm pretending i didn't write this...

My Running Shoes

I am a pair of faded and worn, Aasic Gel-Nimbus ICS running shoes.

I have logged more miles than some moderately used, family-owned vehicles.

I have raced semi trucks on the highway in the 90 degree heat.

I have slipped my way across sheets of ice in the North Dakota winter.

I have climbed mountains in the Alaskan wilderness.

I have raced 13.1 miles of Indiana countryside with nothing to look at but corn and....

I have gone toe-to-toe with a bull moose.

I have seen the ocean, ran along the beach. 

I have stepped in more poo than you care to know.

I have biked marathon distances with nary a lace come untied.

I have greeted the sunrise, and chased down the twilight.

I have lept over streams, fallen trees, and mud puddles.

I have stepped in front of more moving vehicles than any sane being would; my double team of guardian angels always tie my double bow

I have run countless extra miles due to wrong turns, detours, and misdirection.

I am known to cause blisters, shin splints, and the occasional corn.

I have gotten lost in the woods.

I have kicked a few shins, stepped on a few heels. 

I sometimes rebel, and grow heavier with every stride.

I have run far and fast, with not always a destination in mind.

I have run from pressure, pain, disappointment, and drama.

Sometimes I would rather be a slipper, or stay lying on a shoe rack- comfortable, untested, untried.

I long to run Heaven's streets paved of gold.

The Eternal Race is the one for which I train.

I am shod with the readiness of the gospel.

I have born the weight of many hours of prayer and contemplation.

My souls have tred the depths of earth's beauty.

I step to the rhythm of the worship of God.

I have dashed across intersections to bring food to the hungry.

I have carried the Good News to the ghettos.

I have chased after those in search of True Rest.

I have overcome obstacles, persevered through life's bogs and sloughs of despair.

I am nothing on my own; lifeless, complacent, a piece of rubber and fabric.

I run for the glory of One, not of whose feet to whom I am tied, but the Creator of the feet and the foothills, the streets and the sinews.

I am a pair of running shoes. 

Twas a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the park...

There is something I have been pondering lately. One could probably say I have used a substantial amount of brain power in my thorough contemplation of this very issue...brain power which would have been better spent on my Fine Arts art section final (if you've read the Epic.Fail. post, you will understand the significant depletion of overall brain power and mental function this class has caused me. But alas, that is all in my past, for now I am moving on to grander and more noble things- the Fine Art music section. No more Der Blaue Reiter, no more awkward pictures of naked people. The downside to this glorious change is that now I will have to walk all the way across campus to the PPAC at 9:15 in the morning, as opposed to the 20 feet to Beard Arts Center.)

Let me just say, that was possibly the longest parenthetical aside I have ever written. But I digress, and will return to what I was talking about in the first place..

 

Say you were choking, and you're by yourself; there's no one else around. Now, everyone knows that in this situation, you are supposed to attempt to give yourself the Heimlich, whether with your arms pumping your stomach or by falling over a chair or whatever. Well, when you are around someone else who is choking, you give them the Heimlich, and then, if that doesn't work, you call 911, right? So my question is, if you're by yourself and you're choking and the Heimlich doesn't work, do you still call 911? This would seem highly illogical to me, beings that if you have not been able to fix the whole choking problem by this point, you are probably not in the best shape to find your phone and call 911. So instead of giving yourself the Heimlich, should you call 911 first?? Wouldn't that make sense? I mean, if you don't call 911 and the Heimlich thing doesn't work out for ya, you're pretty much up a creek if you know what I mean. But who has the presence of mind to use the phone when they have a foreign object lodged in their windpipe and are gasping for breath?? Having never gone through the experience of choking or been in the presence of a choking victim, I have realized that I am completely unprepared to deal with the situation! Yes, we all know the basic theory behind the Heimlich maneuver- bear hug from behind, stomach thrusts upward- but what if, underestimating my own strength, I cracked the person's ribs?? Or worse, punctured a kidney or other vital organ?? I think we all need to take a minute and remember when our mother's taught us to always chew our food thoroughly, and never to run with something in our mouth. 

Or maybe that was just my mom.

But that's beside the point. What I want to know is, if I'm choking and I am by myself, who in the world is going to call for help when I turn blue and pass out from oxygen deprivation???

Does 911 have texting??

wOw

John 13

It's Passover time..and Jesus knows his days on earth are numbered. Soon He'd be reunited with His Father, the One Who loves perfectly. Though Jesus is perfect, His heart overflows with love for His group of, well, let's just face it, rather imperfect disciples. We all know the feeling, the heart-wrenching ordeal of saying goodbye to those we care most about. So what does Jesus do?

John 13:1b- "Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love."

The full extent of His love. Wow. I get butterflies just thinking about it. And what does Jesus do, to show His best friends the full extent of His love?

He ties a towel around His waist and washes their feet. In a gesture full of compassion and love, He tenderly washes the feet of His disciples. But it doesn't end there.

John 13:15- "..Now you should do [to others] as I have done for you."

Love=Service. Love=Compassion. Love is edifying others, stepping down from your pedestal to tend the wounds, wash the feet of God's beloved. It's simple really.

"He now showed them the full extent of his love.."

If you want to know how to love God, there it is.

As Thomas Aquinas put it: "To love God is greater than to know him."

Try loving God with all of your heart, soul, and mind. See if the way you love and value others doesn't shift, with your own happiness and comfort starting to take a back seat to the joy of others. 

It's pretty awesome if you think about it.

Epic. Fail.

If you've talked to me in the last day or two (or if your Facebook homepage has given you any insight into my "status," aka "life," over said time period), you are most likely aware that I am now officially an epic failure. At life. Yeah.

Ok, so here at Indiana Wesleyan there is this lovely little class known affectionally as Fine Arts (think Art and Music Appreciation) that is a general education requirement for any and all students (I tried getting out of it by telling them I was morally opposed to looking at sculptures of naked people, but I didn't get very far). This course is notorious for being tough, although I suppose it really depends on the teacher. Anyways, I am in the art section, and we had our first test this last Tuesday. Being the nerd that I am, I studied. Hard. I studied for hours for this test, because I knew that it would most likely be hard, that's just the way it is. So Tuesday morning roles around, the class is at 9:25. I get up shortly after 7 and study more. Go to class; I'm nervous, but hey, I studied my tail off, and I'm generally a pretty good test-taker so I was determined to get through it. My prof hands out the test, and as the minutes go by, you can just feel the aura of disbelief, of shock, frustration, and despair descend over the classroom as we realize that we are taking an impossibly hard test. It was ridiculous. Yes, he had given us a study guide, but you wanna know how much good that study did? NOTTA! It was worthless, that's what. Know how much good all my hours of studying did? NONE! That was the most ridiculously impossible test I have ever seen, totally unfair (in my opinion). Afterward we had to go back into class to listen to him lecture some more; pretty sure I was giving him death glares the whole time.. and if you've ever received a death glare from me, well, actually you'd probably no longer be living, so never mind.

All right, since I know none of you started reading this with the intention of listening to me gripe and complain about my epic failure, so I will have pity and switch gears. 

So it snowed like six feet today, no joke. Besides being blinded as I walked to my 8:55 class by the massive snowflakes descending from the sky, I pretty much almost got ran over by the ambitious snow removal guys in their little tractors at least three different times. As cold as it was outside, I actually became quite contemplative. Now, the snow guys in their mini bulldozers can't do everything; sometimes, you're going to have to get the bottom of your jeans and possibly your socks wet and step in a little bit of snow (like when you're stepping from the sidewalk to the street, for example). If I waited for them to get rid of all that nasty white fluffy stuff, I would never have made it to the student center today, or 2/3 of my classes for that matter. It made me realize something:

For every great path in the snow, someone had to get their jeans wet and walk through it first.

I respect those kind of people, not just the ones that are willing to tramp through six inches of snow so the rest of us can carefully step in their footprints, but those who aren't afraid to go it alone, to get their feet wet while everyone else sticks to the familiar, the nicely worn path that presents little discomfort and requires little guts.

I want to be one of those.

And I'm over my epic failingness, by the way. I have accepted it, will take my grade as it comes, and will think happy thoughts instead of death glaring at my professor..who really is a pretty nice guy..

*Cough**Hack**..**Spit** repeat..

Maybe ya'll already know this, but being sick is kind of a drag..

I'm one of those weird people that always kind of wants to get sick, just so I can have an excuse to do absolutely nothing and sleep all day (I mean, when else do you get such amazing privileges?) I have the glitch (more of a psychological malfunction, really) where I absolutely cannot just sit and do nothing (yeah, sitting down and watching TV just to watch TV, doesn't happen); I always have to be doing something or moving around or I feel as if I'm wasting time. So logically, when I am sick and otherwise incapable of any kind of productivity whatsoever is the only time in my life where I can just relax, not do a stinkin' thing, and not feel bad about it.

But enough about me and my hermit lifestyle.

Wilbur Williams.

What can say about Wilbur? The name itself evokes an aura excitement, mystery, adventure, like Indiana Jones except with alliteration.

For those of you who are unaware, Wilbur Williams is pretty much the coolest guy ever. Period.

Wilbur is a 70-something year old professor here at IWU. He's been teaching since my dad was in diapers, and he is the favorite here. The favorite of everyone, even people who have never taken the guy's class, which I did (and he teaches Old Testament, by the way. This man's led more archaeological trips to Israel than most people make to the bathroom in year). He's got the voice of God (no joke) and the wisdom of Solomon (before the 750 wives). Kinda wish he'd adopt me..

And he's pretty much famous, too! The man has rubbed shoulders with more famous people then you'll find on Oceans 11, 12, and 13. Seriously, try googling "wilbur williams;" you'll even get pictures! (not that that's creeperish or anything...)

Needless to say, Wilbur Williams is my hero. Today, I was walking across campus to one of my classes (there was absolutely no one else around because I had to run back to my room to get something, so in a sense I was quite late). He was walking on the sidewalk a good distance away, paused, waited until I noticed him, and then waved. He waved! At me! Tell ya what, it pretty much made my day..

Not that I'm obsessed or anything. I just happen to think Wilbur Williams is the coolest thing since Wheel of Fortune.

Wheel of Fortune is my favorite show.